Intimacy

Q> I am a 17-year-old guy who has been dating a girl for 12 months now. We find it really difficult to understand what appropriate boundaries are in regards to our affection toward each other. Just because it feels right at the time, does not mean it is right. What guidelines can you offer?

A> It’s great you have the initiative to examine your emotions, go beyond them and try to explore some boundaries for your relationship. In today’s society we are bombarded with “if you’re not sexually active” or “displaying yourself in a sexual manner,” then you are not “with it.” It’s difficult to be a Christian and not be swept up in the emotions of it all.

Here are some thoughts to consider:

• Do you feel you need to increase physical activity to increase intimacy between the two of you? A lot of young people today feel that by participating in sexual activity (kissing, heavy petting, sex, dressing provocatively), they are increasing intimacy. Intimacy is about understanding a person’s goals and dreams, respecting their needs, and supporting each other as you go through changes. Sexual activity often prevents this from occurring, as there are usually feelings of guilt, fear, sadness and loss associated with the emotions when they are separated from the purely physical.
• Is the person you are with someone you can see being a life partner? If your answer is “I have not thought that far” or “I am not ready for anything like that yet,” or “I am too young to consider being that serious”—then it is likely you are not ready to engage in sexual activity.
• Often young people do not think about the consequences of participating in sexual activity. When you do find a lifelong partner, do you want to have a string of other girls you can compare her with, or if it was reversed, would you want her to have a long list of boys she could compare you with? Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to explore and learn together and achieve the highest form of intimacy with the one you have chosen for life? Other serious consequences are disease, pregnancy, loss of self, getting a reputation—all of which will affect the rest of your life.

Here are some boundaries to consider:

• Don’t put yourself in a situation where you are completely alone and you get carried away with the emotions.
• Hang around groups. This assists you to focus on the bigger picture.
• Make the rule to only hold hands, hug and give a kiss on the cheek.
• When around each other, keep modesty in mind. Keep your bodies private from each other.
• Don’t talk about TV programs or music that highlights sexual activity. By keeping your conversation clean and listening to music without explicit sexual overtones, you’ll be more likely to concentrate on other things.
• Find activities to do together that assist you in reaching your goals and dreams. They may include sport, photography, cooking, art, music or books.
• Find out what God wants for us sexually. God wants us to have fulfilling sexual lives with the partner we chose for life. He recognises the importance of it and even celebrated it. God does not think it is dirty, but created it to have a very special purpose between a husband and a wife.
  Good luck with the decisions you make as a couple and individually. If you feel you have already gone too far, you can choose to re-evaluate and follow new boundaries.