I’m Adopted

Q> I find it difficult to trust adults. I feel very vulnerable around them and don’t know how I'm supposed to act. I was adopted when I was four years old, but my adoptive family is very nice, so I don’t understand why I feel this way.—Mandy

A> It’s great to hear you were adopted by a nice family. However, being adopted could be the reason you’re having these relationship issues.

Children who’ve been adopted, have been in foster care, or had a very sick parent when they where babies, often have what is called an attachment disorder. This means that a child who did not bond with a regular caregiver when they were young, often finds it difficult to form relationships with people as they get older.

The stability provided by a regular caregiver is very important in helping us form good, trusting relationships when we get older. It is about feeling important and included with a significant other.

Some of the symptoms of this disorder include:

• Sees self as undeserving
• May not show normal anxiety following aggressive or cruel behaviour
• Has difficulty having fun
• Lacks trust in others
• Needs to be in control of all situations
• Has trouble recognising own feelings
• Appears to have confused thought processes
• Has difficulty thinking ahead.

Because you’re aware of these issues and are asking for assistance, obviously you want to overcome them. Here are some helpful hints:

1. Start by trying to piece together information about yourself in those first four years. See if you can track down photos or any information kept by the adoption agency or caregivers you had before you were adopted. Obtain your birth certificate and other important documents.
2. Try to understand why you where given up for adoption. Often when we can step into the shoes of the other people involved, and start to make sense of the situation, then we feel less abandoned.
3. Ask your adoptive family to help create a life-story book covering the years since you came into their family.
4. Developing trust is important. Find a person you feel comfortable with and start to trust them with small amounts of information. Once you realise this person can be trusted, you’re more likely to continue to share with them. This will slowly help you build trust with a significant other.
5. Work with a mentor to work out what is important to you, who you want to be and what goals you would like to achieve.

These activities will help you form a sense of self and learn to form attachments. You may also find that talking to a counsellor—who can help you work through these issues and find strategies for forming attachments with significant others—will be of benefit.