How to Help a Friend

Q> I am a 16-year-old girl who is worried about a friend. She’s recently had a lot of problems, become depressed and talks about not wanting to live any longer. I’m terrified that she will hurt herself. What can I do to help my friend?—Shaz

A> Thank you for sharing your concerns for your friend. The feelings your friend has voiced are not to be taken lightly. This is an issue you should never promise to keep silent about. It’s better to be wrong about someone’s intention, then to have a tragedy occur. While you need to speak to a parent, pastor, chaplain, teacher or an older person you trust, here are some guidelines to remember.

Checklist for suicide warning signs
(a number of these need to occur together)

• Marked change in personality or outbursts that are out of character.
• Sudden change in eating or sleeping patterns.
• Verbal threats.
• Loss of interest in usual activities.
• Social withdrawal/changes in appearance.
• Lapses of attention or concentration.
• Giving away prized possessions.
• Feelings of worthlessness.
• Unexplained cheerfulness after a lapse of depression.

Things TO do

• Do listen and be calm.
• Do take the situation seriously.
• Do show you care by giving time.
• Do use a positive approach that directs the person’s mind to the most positive options available.
• Do focus on handling one day at a time.
• Do stay with the person if the risk is high.
• Always get a professional person or an older person involved as soon as possible—don’t try to handle it yourself.

Things NOT to do

• Don’t ignore the situation.
• Don’t act shocked or embarrassed by anything the person tells you.
• Don’t leave them alone.
• Don’t say everything will be all right. This might show the person you don’t understand their hurt.
• Don’t use guilt to prevent them from doing it.
• Don’t agree with them that the situation is hopeless
• Don’t ever, ever swear to secrecy.

Wanting to end your life is not the problem; it is a symptom of a problem. A symptom of difficulties, hopelessness, low self-esteem, rejection, mental illness, relationship breakdowns, financial problems and more.

It is a fact that

• If someone talks about taking their own life, it is likely they will.
• Not all suicidal people are loners, but they may feel lonely, even with a high number of friends.
• People who are suicidal usually tell a friend.
• Suicide can be prevented.
• If a person who has been depressed, all of a sudden seems to feel better, the danger is not over.
• Membership in a religious group does not prevent suicide.
• Asking if someone is thinking of taking their life will not put the idea in their head or encourage them to do it.
• 90 per cent of suicidal people young or old, do not want to die; they simply want to escape the pain, whether physical or emotional.

I hope this information helps. You’re a great friend because you’ve taken the time to listen and you have sought help for a very difficult situation. Keep listening and supporting, but most of all get assistance for dealing with the situation. As I said, it is better to be wrong about someone’s intentions than to have a tragedy occur.