Dealing With Grief

Q> Recently one of our classmates passed away from cancer. Although we knew this would happen, it has still been devastating. Everyone seems to be dealing with it differently. How long does the pain last? What can we do to cope better?—Tara

A> Grief can be very complex and is unique to every individual. Here are some frequent reactions of young people who are grieving:

Shock/Disbelief. Knowing, intellectually, that someone has died does not always mean that the death seems real, especially in the early days and weeks. Many experience "automatic pilot”: they function as usual but with a feeling that "this really didn't happen."

Guilt. Most people who grieve experience some level of guilt. We put ourselves through the “if onlys”: If only I could have prevented the death; if only I hadn't had that argument.

Unusual Happenings. It is not uncommon for a bereaved young person to hear a voice in the crowd, or catch a glimpse of a person in a crowd and think it is the deceased. This can be unsettling, but rather normal. It is the likeness of the person they are connecting with.

Drugs/Alcohol. It’s a very natural response to want to numb the pain—when someone is drunk or high, they don’t have to feel. While these drugs may temporarily numb the pain, they very clearly prolong and complicate the grieving process. It is best not to get involved in that method of pain control.

Anger. When we’ve been abandoned through death, anger can become very powerful. Many young people have said, "I want to punch someone out" or, "I want to destroy something." It’s important to be given healthy options in expressing your anger. Scream into a pillow; pound a mattress; throw ice cubes at a wall or nearby tree. All of these expressions of anger release the physical energy that words alone cannot.

Tears. Tears are a natural and necessary part of grief. If you do not see tears in others, don’t assume they are not there. Many grieve privately, crying in the shower, in their rooms or alone at the grave site.

Things that could help:

• Share some special memories with others.
• Talk about your experience with the death; where you were when the death occurred; what happened immediately afterwards, and what you are experiencing right now.
• Create a special ritual so you can say goodbye. Go to a place your friend would go.
• Identify to others what you need during this time. The common complaint of many bereaved is that people don't seem to care and they are not around when you need them.

Every young person needs to grieve in their own time and in their own way. The pain of losing someone lessens over time, but never really leaves you. Don’t try to rush through the grieving process or compare individual grieving styles. Talking about it and identifying your feelings is the best thing to do.