Confidentiality

Recently I told a family member about an issue that was very confi dential, hoping I could trust what I told her went no further. I felt safe about this until she shared with me something another family member had told her “in confi dence.” Not surprisingly, I found out later that my information had also been shared. Please give me your thoughts on how I should handle this.

What you have told me is a common occurrence of the attitude “If I just tell one other person it is not breaking the confi dence of the person who told me.” The problem with this is that if each person tells one other person, everyone you didn’t want to know your business now does. Whom you trust with information is a very important thing. First let me share with you some common-sense guidelines to help you choose who’s safe to confi de in. Ask yourself these questions:

> Do I hear from this person a lot of information about other people’s lives? Are they the family grapevine?

> How much does this person respect me, my opinion and how I conduct myself? This is important as it determines what value they place on the information shared.

> Does the person have the skills or understanding to deal with what I want to share? If they don’t, then they may need to talk to someone in order to deal with what you have told them.

> Does this person see themself as having authority over me? For instance if it is a parent, do they believe they have the “right” to share the information?

> If this information is shared, how damaging will it be for others to fi nd out? What will the consequences be?

After asking yourself these questions about those you want to share with, or about the information you want to share, then you will have a good idea about what to do. Sadly, you will probably determine it is not safe to share important information about yourself with many people.

How to handle a situation after someone has broken your confi dence, especially a family member, is diffi cult and sometimes scary. However, it is important to deal with it.

Here is a suggested approach:

> Ask the person who broke your confi dence to have a talk with you.

> Be direct and tell them you are upset and troubled they shared information that was clearly not to be shared. Ask them in a non-confrontational way why they did it.

> Tell them you now cannot trust them and your relationship has changed due to their lack of respect for you.

> Ask them to go to the people they spoke to and tell them it was wrong to share—and through not being a trustworthy friend have hurt the person spoken about.

This sounds rather basic, but when you directly ask a person about wrong they have done to you, and they have to admit their mistake, it usually makes an impact—especially if they know you have lost respect for them. By admitting it to others, they are stating to others they are not trustworthy.

This certainly is not something any of us would want to do.

Be careful with whom you share!