Anger Management

Q> Lately I am having real problems with anger. I am going off at the smallest things. I know I am doing it but find it so hard to stop myself. The problem is, now I am starting to alienate my friends. Any ideas to help?—James, 17

A> Sometimes we get into a cycle of behaviour that we can’t seem to stop. At least you have recognised your behaviour and now you can do something about it. Here are a couple of questions for you.
What is it that people are saying that is pushing your buttons?
Usually there is fear behind anger. What is your fear?
What are you trying to achieve by your reactions?
People who create arguments come in three categories. Those who are genuinely seeking change, attention seekers and those who love a good fight. Which one are you?

Anger is not always a bad emotion. It tells us that something in our life is wrong, or that someone is overstepping a boundary. It is how we deal with our anger that is the problem. Once you have answered the questions above and understand your motivation, then you can follow some simple steps to overcome this behaviour. You might find, however, that your anger has nothing to do with the things you are getting angry about.

The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.
Here are some strategies you can use to manage your anger.

Cognitive restructuring. Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to speak in highly colourful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones.

Problem solving. Learn to create effective problem-solving skills. Sometimes if the desired outcome is known, you can work backwards and determine what your need is.
Relaxation. Find out what calms you. Is it a walk, music, jokes or talking with a friend? Then when you get angry, practise this relaxation.

Effective communication. You need to ask more questions to clarify what people are saying before you get angry. Often we react before we really understand a person’s point of view. You need to ask “What do you mean by that?”

Using humour. This is self-explanatory. Learn to also laugh at yourself.

Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Try to understand the needs of others, even if you do not agree or cannot help to meet their need.

Learn how to assert yourself. Assertiveness means having a clear set of boundaries and stating your needs without hostility or demanding.

Find out your motivation and you will discover the strategy that will be most effective for you. For more information, just email me.