Act your age?

My mum had me when she was very young and she acts more like my older sister then my mother. My mum doesn’t understand boundaries—she dresses like me, tells me things about her that I really don’t want to hear and wants to hang around my friends instead of making her own. I love my mum, but need to know how I can create my own life, and encourage her to do the same.

I can understand your dilemma. It is a fi ne line between hurting your mum’s feelings and trying to gain some independence.

If your mum had you young then it is possible she is trying to live some of her youthful years through you, as she was too busy being a mum at your age.

Let’s consider some of the issues your mum may be experiencing: > Due to the small age gap, she may actually feel like an older sister, not a mum.

> The women who are her age now may just be starting families or have children much younger and therefore feels she has nothing in common with them.

> Although your mum had to grow up fast in some ways when she had you, her emotional maturity may not have developed to the expected level. Therefore she may not know how to interact with people her age.

> Your mum may have issues of her own she needs to explore through counselling to feel complete and settled in her life.

> Last, mums are younger in their approach to life these days, unlike 20 years ago. They are dressing younger, being more open and with the divorce rate, often treating children more like friends instead of children.

Here are some practical ways to ease the situation for you: > Set times when it is just the two of you to go shopping, to the movies, or some other outing you can share.

> Explicitly tell her in advance when an event is just for you and your friends.

> Tell her what you need from her; don’t criticise her for what she is not giving.

> Try not to compare her to other mums. Look at what positive characteristics she has given you.

> It’s best to start reinforcing boundaries now instead of feeling sorry for her, or it will just get harder as you get older.

For example, if there are certain topics in your mum’s life you don’t want to hear about, say to her, “Mum, that information is best shared with a friend. I am your daughter and I don’t feel comfortable hearing about that.” > When you do go out with each other and she copies what you wear, you may want to downplay what you wear and she may follow.

> Don’t share all the juicy information about your friends with her if you want to create more of a mother–daughter relationship.

Grace in a relationship means you work within the dynamics of a person’s character and accept the entire person, not just the good bits. It is remembering we all have areas of our lives we need to evaluate and we need to off er the same love to others we would want in return. This is a diffi cult situation for you and hopefully a balance will be found for you and your mum.