Ask a youth leader

Question: I have two friends who can’t seem to forgive each other after an argument.
How can I help them repair their friendship?

Remember all those stupid light bulb jokes? There’s a joke for every occupation—how many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many rabbis, feminists, cops, doctors, Marxists, Pentecostals and on it goes. My personal favourite is “How many counsellors does it take to change a light bulb?” Answer— “Just one but the light bulb has to really want to change.”

It’s a bit like that with any two people who are in conflict. One— or both—has to really want things to get better and, as a friend looking on, we have to realise we can’t always “fix” the problem. At the end of the day, we can’t “make” anyone do anything. We can’t change someone else’s behaviour.

So what do we do? Just stand there with our hands by our sides looking like a doofus while people we love suffer? No way. We may not be able to force them to make up but we can still help. If we love our friends, we have to help. And one way to do it is to help them see that failure to forgive simply plays into the hands of the one who is wishing them harm.

The failure to forgive is one of the most self-destructive forces in the universe. When we wish hate on others, it stays in our own heart and we hurt ourselves. Without reconciliation, sour relationships can persist for years and embitter our entire lives, taking away joy, hardening us, affecting our relationships and health, and hurting innocent friends and family members. Jesus knew what He was talking about when He answered Peter’s question, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answers him, saying, “I tell you, not seven times but 77 times” (Matthew 18:21, 22). In Luke, Jesus makes it abundantly clear—“Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven” (Luke 6:37, KJV).

So show a bit of tough love! Be the kind of friend who, despite the embarrassment, would rather whisper to you that you had spinach in your teeth or your zipper was undone than let you be sniggered at because you didn’t know. Be the kind of person who takes their warring friends, grabs them, shakes them, then holds them close and pleads with them to let it go, for their own sakes, if for no other.

Dr Fred Luskin has worked closely with hundreds of people who suffered firsthand from the violence in Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone, and even the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center.

His goal? To help wronged people get over the hurt and feelings of helplessness, show them how to let go of the anger, and increase their confidence and hope as they learn how to release unwanted hurts and grudges. Luskin suggests nine steps¹ for forgiving others.

They’re some solid, no-nonsense ideas to share with anyone struggling to let go of the hurt and move on.

1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.

2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you—not for anyone else.

3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person who hurt you, or condoning their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the “peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story.”

4. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognise your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes—or 10 years—ago. Forgiveness helps heal those hurt feelings.

5. At the moment you feel upset, practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body’s flight-or-fight response.

6. Give up expecting things from other people, or your life, that they do not choose to give you. Recognise the “unenforceable rules” you have for your health, or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, peace and prosperity and work hard to get them.

7. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt, seek new ways to get what you want.

8. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you. Forgiveness is about personal power.

9. Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.

One person has described forgiveness as “giving up my right to hurt you, for hurting me.” Martin Luther King Jr knew all about this. Spokesperson of the 1960s civil-rights movement, a man well acquainted with injustice and one who paid the ultimate price in his battle against racial prejudice, he once said, “Forgiveness is not an occasional act: it is an attitude. We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love.”

1. Visit <www.learningtoforgive.com/steps.htm> for more info.