Teens and Domestic Violence

Trafford Fischer, director of Family Ministries and of the Adventist Institute of Family Relations for the South Pacific Division, speaks with Paul Bogacs, a teacher and counsellor, about the impact of domestic violence on young people. 

I’ve got Paul in the office here with me. He’s a bit of a specialist in a number of areas but has a keen interest in keeping young people heading in the right direction when it comes to relationships (he’s got two teenagers of his own!).

Trafford: Paul, I see a few ads on TV and some street posters reminding me that domestic violence is under the spotlight. What do we mean by domestic violence?

Paul: Domestic violence (DV) is the term we use to describe a situation where one person in the relationship uses abuse and/or violence to control the other person/s through fear. The victim will feel threatened, and may be too frightened to argue back or too scared to disagree or express their opinion. The perpetrator (that’s the person doing the abusing) has power over the victim. In most cases of domestic and family violence, the abuser is the male.

T: But don’t all families and couples have arguments? Isn’t that normal? What makes it domestic violence?

P: True, most families have differences. But the key words here are fear, power and control. The way to identify DV is whether or not there is a victim and a perpetrator; somebody who controls another family member (or members) and somebody who is being controlled.

DV is about using power to control others, especially by making them feel afraid. For example, when we hear family members say things like, “I am always walking on eggshells in my family,” or “I would be really scared of my father if I did that,” we may be dealing with DV.

Fear is used by the perpetrator to control his victim. Fear is created by giving looks or making gestures, possessing weapons (even if the perpetrator doesn’t use them), destroying property, being cruel to pets or any behaviour that leaves the victim feeling powerless.

Here’s a few examples: Intimidation: This includes smashing things, destroying possessions, hostile questioning, persistent and intrusive phone calls, abusive SMS messages, or loitering near homes or places of work.

Verbal abuse: This could include screaming, shouting, put-downs, name-calling or sarcasm.

Physical Abuse: This can range from a lack of consideration for physical comfort to permanent injury and death. It could be pushing, shoving, hitting, slapping, choking, hair-pulling or destroying prized possessions.

Emotional abuse: This is about underminding the victim’s confidence, leading them to think they’re stupid, useless, a bad person or hopeless. It humiliates and degrades the victim.

Social abuse: This is when the perpetrator isolates the victim from their friends and family by putting them down in front of others, or by abusing the victim in front of their family and friends.

Economic abuse: This is about the perpetrator making the victim financially dependent on them. Victims may be denied access to money or may be forced to hand over money so the perpetrator can decide how it will be spent.

Sexual abuse: This includes a range of unwanted sexual behaviours, including forced sexual contact, rape or forcing victims to perform sexual acts that cause pain or humiliation, forcing victims to have sex with others or any other unwanted sexual activity that is against their will.

Spiritual abuse: This includes ridiculing spiritual beliefs and customs, or preventing victims from attending church or other church-related activities. It can also include controlling the way victims contribute to their church in either time or finances.

Stalking: Stalking includes loitering around places victims are known to frequent, watching them, following them, making persistent phone calls or other unwanted contact with them, or sending unwanted mail or gifts.

Controlling behaviours: These include dictating what victims do, who they see and talk to, and where they go. It can also include keeping them from seeing family and friends, not allowing them to express their own feelings/thoughts/opinions or not allowing them any privacy.

T: So it’s not just about a husband hitting a wife or a boyfriend hitting a girlfriend?

P: It certainly includes that but it’s not limited to that. There have been many women who have never been hit but live in serious fear of their partner, father or other dominant family member.

T: This is obviously serious material. What are some of the outcomes of this type of violence and abuse on girlfriends, partners and children?

P: One of the worst things that happens, especially if we are the victims of the violence, is that we feel we aren’t worth much. That belief can haunt us for the rest of our lives. We can also get the idea that the use of power, control and violence is the acceptable way to behave in relationships—not a good thing to learn!! T: What about when two young people go out on a date? They’re pretty much in love—is there risk here for any trouble?

P: Sadly, a romantic date can end badly if either person is the recipient of any type of abusive behaviour. Some guys can get really possessive and extremely jealous when they see their girl talking with other guys. They may accuse her of flirting and could start restricting her movements and activities. They may start using threats, or become very passive and sullen and control her through guilt.

They may start telling her what she should or shouldn’t wear, do or not do. They may put pressure on her for sexual activities that she is not ready to engage in.

(The extreme of this is what we call “date rape.”) The important thing to remember is that it is NOT OK to be physically threatened or scared into things which make you feel uncomfortable or unhappy, just because you are in a relationship. It’s NOT OK to be put down and pushed around. It’s NOT OK for someone to use the excuse that they were tired, drunk, stressed, overworked or under pressure as a reason for their violent behaviour.

T: What should a young person do if he or she feels they may be in a family, or a relationship, with an abuser?

P: Listen to your feelings and trust them—if something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. Talk to someone who cares about you who you can trust. Make sure that at least one of the people you talk to is an adult. Don’t allow any feelings of shame or embarrassment to stop you from sharing with someone.

Remember, you are not responsible for somebody else’s violent behaviour.

Your first responsibility is to yourself, even though you may be told the exact opposite! Get safe and stay safe.

It may be a scary thing to have to share with someone that your family or relationship isn’t as good as it looks, and you may feel very vulnerable but it’s important to take that important step toward change, even if it’s just for you. You need to feel, and be, safe! Remember, abuse and violence is a crime, intimidation and manipulation is not the basis of a sound relationship, and NO means NO!

Trafford's tips for staying safe

1. Plan to go out and hang out in a group. Go with people you feel safe with and who you know have your best interests at heart.

2. Look out for yourself and your friends—good friends make sure that their friends are safe and make safe choices.

3. Have some transport plans to make sure you can get there and back safely.

4. Let someone know (parents, older sibling, reliable neighbour) where you are going and when you’ll be home. If your plans change, let them know.

5. Agreeing to one type of activity (eg, kissing) doesn’t mean it’s a green light for any other sexual contact—remember, it’s OK to change your mind and say NO at any stage.

6. You shouldn’t stop being careful just because you think you know the person you are with—you may not know them as well as you think.

7. Don’t be alone and isolated with someone you don’t know well.

8. If you start to feel uncomfortable, make an excuse to leave and call somebody who you know can help you. Get to a safe place as fast as you can.

If you need to talk with anyone about problems you might be facing, you can contact either:

> Confidential 24-hour helpline on 1800 200 526; 24-hour Kids Help Line on 1800 551 800; or Lifeline on 13 11 14 in Australia or

> What’sUp on 0800WHATSUP (0800 9 42 8787); or Lifeline New Zealand on 0800 543 354 in New Zealand.

The writers are indebted to the booklet published by the Australian Government Office for Women (<www.australiasaysno.gov.au>) and the Domestic Violence Prevention Centre, Gold Coast (<www.domesticviolence.com.au>).