Domestic Abuse and Divorce

Y* speaks about his experience with domestic abuse and divorce after two years of marriage.

The lowest point in my marriage was when Karen* attacked me with a pair of scissors. But it was also the apex of her abuse toward me, and made me realise that separating and divorcing—even though the church does not encourage it—was the only sane choice I had left to me.

We had previously seen a counsellor and it hadn’t helped.

I was unwilling to stay in a relationship where abuse had become a near-daily occurrence, leading me to fear for my safety—mentally and physically.

There are a lot of people who believe men who can’t handle a woman in a situation like this are cowards, wimps or worse. My parents raised me to respect women. I would never harm a woman and I believe Karen used this against me, as I wouldn’t use my physical strength to do anything but attempt to restrain her when she would attack me.

We had been happy for the first six months of the marriage. But after that, she began to accuse me of a variety of misdemeanours that I had not committed, including conducting an affair with a colleague when I had worked late in the office to complete projects. She would scream at me when I came home, piling accusations on top of accusations in an increasingly illogical fashion.

One evening when I returned home from work, I discovered she had packed up almost all of my possessions and taken them to the local charity store.

The physical attacks began with her slapping me and progressed to punching, kicking and biting. It became increasingly difficult to rationalise her behaviour to myself, although she could still be an incredibly affectionate, caring and rational woman at other times. Others saw her for those qualities, and I fought depression and other problems trying to keep our marriage and life together.

That all ended when I tried to stop her cutting up my shirts and she attacked me with the scissors she had used. At that point, I realised it was unlikely she would change. The safest choice was to leave. This was not easy but it was for the best. Karen has received counselling and I heard she has progressed. I also attended counselling for almost a year— there was damage to undo for myself, too.

It is less common for men to be the victims of abuse but the problem does exist. I have met a number of men who have been through similar problems to me and most of them would never speak about it because they’re worried of how people will perceive them if they admit it.

* Y is not his real name and Karen is not her real name.